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Leg day: Fri → Fri (19d) Recess

In the Absurdity Index of the United States

119th Absurdity Index — 1st Session of Futility

S. 666 Not Bill

Thoughts and Prayers Accountability Act

1 min read

Sponsor
Sen. Hope N. Change (I-CT)
Committee
Committee on Converting Sympathy Into Policy
Introduced
Feb 7, 2026
Status
Received Thoughts and Prayers

Party Balance

I
Primary Sponsor Hope N. Change
Independent
Cosponsors (2 total)
D:1 I:1
Pork by Party (satirical estimates) $66.6M total
R
$5.4M (8%)
D
$18.6M (28%)
I
$34.6M (52%)
?
$8.0M (12%)

Section 1. Short Title and Finding of Exhausted Patience

This Act may be cited as the “Thoughts and Prayers Accountability Act” or the “Put a Bill Where Your Mouth Is Act of 2026.”

The Senate finds and wearily declares:

(a) Since the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on December 14, 2012, in which 20 children and 6 educators were killed, no comprehensive federal gun legislation has been enacted, despite the issuance of approximately 4,200 official “thoughts and prayers” statements by sitting members of Congress.

(b) The United States has experienced more than 600 mass shootings per year in recent years, as documented by the Gun Violence Archive, and the legislative response to each has followed an identical pattern: shock, condolences, calls for action, a brief news cycle, and then nothing.

(c) On June 20, 2016, following the Pulse nightclub shooting that killed 49 people, the Senate voted on four separate gun-related amendments and rejected all four, including two that had majority support but failed to reach the 60-vote threshold.

(d) The Manchin-Toomey amendment of 2013, which would have expanded background checks, received 54 votes in favor and 46 against — a clear majority — and still failed because 54 is apparently not enough in a body of 100.

(e) Members of Congress spend an average of four hours per day on fundraising calls according to model schedules circulated by both party campaign committees, compared to substantially less time drafting or reading legislation.

(f) Senator Chris Murphy of Connecticut filibustered for nearly 15 hours on June 15, 2016, following the Pulse shooting. This was widely praised and resulted in a vote on four amendments, all of which failed. The filibuster lasted longer than the subsequent legislative debate.

Section 2. The Sympathy-to-Action Conversion Requirement

2(a). General Mandate

Any member of Congress who issues a public statement containing the phrase “thoughts and prayers,” “our hearts go out,” “senseless tragedy,” “now is not the time,” or any semantically equivalent expression of condolence following an incident of mass gun violence shall, within 30 calendar days of said statement, introduce or cosponsor legislation that directly addresses gun violence in any substantive capacity.

2(b). Qualifying Legislative Actions

For the purposes of this section, “substantive legislation” shall include, but not be limited to:

  1. Background check expansion
  2. Red flag law provisions
  3. Mental health funding directly linked to violence prevention
  4. Research funding for gun violence (which was effectively banned from 1996 to 2019 by the Dickey Amendment)
  5. Any other bill that does literally anything besides rename a post office

2(c). Disqualifying Actions

The following shall not count as responsive legislation:

  • Resolutions expressing sympathy
  • Resolutions designating awareness weeks
  • Amendments to unrelated bills that mention “safety” in the title but contain no relevant provisions
  • Thoughts. Prayers. Alone.

Section 3. The 30-Day Legislative Response Mandate

3(a). Clock Activation

The 30-day clock shall begin at the moment a member’s official statement is posted to any platform, including but not limited to the Congressional Record, official social media accounts, press releases, or cable news appearances where the member shakes their head sadly before pivoting to a different topic.

3(b). Extensions

No extensions shall be granted. Congress has had since at least 2012 to figure this out.

3(c). Penalty for Non-Compliance

Any member who fails to introduce or cosponsor qualifying legislation within the 30-day window shall have the following notation appended to their original condolence statement in the Congressional Record:

“No legislative action was taken by this member within 30 days of this statement. This notation is being added pursuant to the Thoughts and Prayers Accountability Act. The member’s thoughts and prayers remain on file.”

Section 4. The “Now Is Not the Time” Clock

4(a). Establishment

There shall be displayed on the C-SPAN broadcast feed, in the lower-left corner, a continuously running clock labeled “Time Since a Member of Congress Said ‘Now Is Not the Time to Discuss This.‘“

4(b). Reset Protocol

The clock shall reset to zero each time any member of Congress, in any official capacity, states that it is “not the time” to discuss gun legislation. Based on historical data, the clock is expected to rarely exceed 11 days, which is the average interval between mass shooting events as defined by the Gun Violence Archive.

4(c). Display Requirements

The clock shall be visible during all congressional proceedings and shall use a font large enough for C-SPAN’s typical viewer, who is statistically watching from quite close to the television.

Section 5. The Moment of Silence Limit

5(a). Cap on Floor Silences

The number of moments of silence observed on the floor of either chamber for gun violence events shall be capped at five per calendar month.

5(b). Justification

Congress finds that:

The average moment of silence lasts approximately 12 seconds, and the aggregate moments of silence observed since 2012 now exceed the total time spent debating the Manchin-Toomey amendment, which at least tried to do something.

5(c). Alternative to Silence

Upon reaching the monthly cap, any additional moments of silence shall be replaced by 30 seconds of reading aloud the names of victims, which the committee acknowledges is less comfortable but substantially more honest.

Section 6. The Fundraising-to-Legislating Time Audit

6(a). Quarterly Disclosure

Each member shall file a quarterly report disclosing the approximate number of hours spent on:

  1. Fundraising calls (estimated national average: 30 hours per week per DCCC and NRSC model schedules)
  2. Drafting or reviewing legislation
  3. Attending committee hearings
  4. Issuing condolence statements

6(b). Publication

These reports shall be made publicly available on each member’s official website, right next to their condolence statements, so that constituents may draw their own conclusions.

Section 7. The NYU Study Acknowledgment Clause

7(a). Congressional Finding

Congress acknowledges the findings of a 2019 study by researchers at NYU which found that Democratic members of Congress showed a statistically significant increase in social media activity following mass shootings, while Republican members showed no measurable causal response — meaning that for roughly half of Congress, mass shootings do not even register as events worth commenting on, let alone legislating about.

7(b). Bipartisan Shame

This Act applies equally to all members regardless of party, because the committee finds that insufficient action and performative action are both unacceptable, albeit in different ways.

Section 8. Effective Date and Realistic Expectations

This Act shall take effect immediately upon enactment, which Congress acknowledges is unlikely, given that the bill itself would require 60 votes in a body where 54 votes in favor has already been deemed insufficient.

Committee Note: This bill was introduced on the anniversary of no particular shooting, because there is no day that is not an anniversary of a shooting. The committee chair noted that the bill received more cosponsors in its first 24 hours than any gun legislation since Manchin-Toomey, and fewer votes than a resolution designating National Peach Month. The committee further notes, without editorial comment, that the bill number is S. 666.


This bill received 46 votes in favor and 54 against, making it yet another gun-related measure to receive minority opposition but majority support and still fail. The 54 members who voted against the bill issued a joint statement offering their thoughts and prayers for its passage. The statement did not include any alternative legislation. The “Now Is Not the Time” clock was reset 14 minutes later.

Official Congressional Vote

2
Ayes
433
Nays
100
Candy Crush

*Results may not reflect actual congressional voting patterns, though they probably should.

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This is a satirical "Not Bill" — legislation that makes too much sense to ever pass. Any resemblance to actual congressional behavior is purely coincidental (and unfortunate).