Congressional Drug Testing Equity Act

Section 1. Short Title and Finding of Spectacular Hypocrisy

This Act may be cited as the “Congressional Drug Testing Equity Act” or, more accurately, the “What’s Good for the Goose Act of 2026.”

The Senate finds, with the self-awareness of a body that exempts itself from most of the rules it imposes on others:

(a) Congress has enthusiastically supported drug testing for welfare recipients, federal employees, military personnel, student athletes, and applicants for minimum-wage jobs at businesses that receive federal contracts, while subjecting itself to no such requirement.

(b) In October 2013, Rep. Trey Radel (R-FL) voted for H.R. 3102, the Nutrition Reform and Work Opportunity Act, which required drug testing for SNAP recipients. One month later, Rep. Radel was arrested for cocaine possession in Washington, D.C. He pleaded guilty and resigned. Congress did not subsequently reconsider its position on who should be tested.

(c) A YouGov poll found that 78% of Americans support mandatory drug testing for members of Congress, a level of bipartisan public support typically reserved for statements like “puppies are nice” and “Fridays should be longer.”

(d) In 2018, Rep. Clay Higgins (R-LA) introduced H.Con.Res.135 to require drug testing for Congress. It received zero cosponsors and no committee hearing, making it the legislative equivalent of shouting into a void.

(e) Thirteen states require drug testing for welfare recipients. Florida’s program found a positive rate of 2.6%, which is lower than the general population, at a cost of $118 per test. Missouri tested 38,970 applicants and found 48 positives. The cost per positive test in some states has exceeded $200,000.

Section 2. The Equal Application Clause

2(a). General Requirement

Every member of the United States Senate and the United States House of Representatives shall be subject to random, unannounced drug testing using the identical testing protocols, specimen collection procedures, and laboratory standards that are applied to:

1. Applicants for Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) in states that require testing
2. Federal employees in “testing designated positions”
3. Active-duty military personnel
4. Anyone applying for a job at a federal contractor that requires pre-employment screening

2(b). No Special Treatment

Members shall not receive:

• Advance notice of testing dates (welfare recipients do not)
• The option to choose their collection facility (federal employees do not)
• The ability to send a staff member in their place (nobody does, but it seemed prudent to specify)
• Access to a private, upgraded restroom (the standard government-issue facility will suffice)

2(c). The “You Voted for This” Provision

Any member who has previously voted in favor of drug testing for any population — including welfare recipients, federal employees, students, or any other group — shall be automatically enrolled in the first testing cycle, on the grounds that they have already established their support for the principle.

Section 3. The Radel Amendment

3(a). Named Provision

In honor of former Rep. Trey Radel, who voted to drug test food stamp recipients and was subsequently arrested for cocaine possession, this section establishes the Radel Irony Disclosure Requirement.

3(b). Disclosure

Any member of Congress who:

1. Votes in favor of drug testing for any population, AND
2. Subsequently fails their own drug test

shall have both facts published in the Congressional Record, the Federal Register, and the member’s official website, in a font no smaller than 18-point, for a period of not less than one year.

3(c). The Radel Index

The Congressional Drug Testing Administration shall maintain a running Radel Index tracking the ratio of members who have voted for testing others versus members willing to submit to testing themselves. The current estimated Radel Index is 8:1.

Section 4. Cost-Per-Positive-Test Transparency

4(a). Public Dashboard

The Government Accountability Office shall maintain a publicly accessible dashboard displaying, for every drug testing program that Congress has authorized or funded:

1. Total program cost
2. Number of individuals tested
3. Number of positive results
4. Cost per positive result
5. Estimated savings, if any (spoiler: typically none)

4(b). Congressional Comparison

The dashboard shall include a side-by-side comparison showing what it costs to drug test a welfare recipient versus what it costs to drug test a member of Congress, with the understanding that the congressional testing program will be substantially more expensive per capita because the Capitol has nicer bathrooms.

Section 5. Consequences for Positive Results

5(a). Equal Penalties

Any member of Congress who tests positive for a controlled substance shall be subject to the identical consequences that apply to welfare recipients in the member’s home state, which may include:

1. Temporary suspension of pay (equivalent to suspension of benefits)
2. Mandatory substance abuse counseling (at the member’s expense, not the taxpayer’s)
3. Retesting within 30 days
4. Upon a second positive result, suspension from committee assignments for six months

5(b). The “But I’m a Lawmaker” Exception

There shall be no exception for members of Congress. The phrase “I make the laws, I don’t have to follow them” is not a recognized legal defense in any jurisdiction, despite evidence that some members believe otherwise.

Section 6. Random Testing Protocol

6(a). Selection Method

Testing subjects shall be selected by a truly random number generator maintained by the Government Accountability Office, with no input from congressional leadership, committee chairs, or anyone who might have a reason to warn their colleagues.

6(b). Frequency

Approximately 10% of Congress shall be tested each month, which means every member can expect to be tested at least once per year. This frequency matches the testing rate for federal employees in safety-sensitive positions, which Congress has deemed appropriate for everyone except Congress.

6(c). Timing

Tests may be administered on any day Congress is in session, which, given the current schedule, means approximately 147 days per year. Members have noted that this is inconvenient. Welfare recipients have noted that they were not consulted about their convenience either.

Section 7. Effective Date and Prediction of Failure

This Act shall take effect 60 days after enactment, which the sponsors acknowledge will never occur, as it requires a majority of the people who would be tested to vote in favor of being tested, which is roughly as likely as turkeys voting for Thanksgiving.

Committee Note: This bill was reported unfavorably by a vote of 6-16. During the committee markup, no fewer than seven members used the word “undignified” to describe the prospect of being drug tested — the same members who had previously described drug testing welfare recipients as “responsible stewardship of taxpayer dollars.” The committee transcript has been preserved for future generations who may wish to study the concept of irony.

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This bill was defeated 22-78. During floor debate, the Congressional Record contains 14 instances of members making the exact same privacy and dignity arguments that welfare recipients’ advocates had made when opposing state drug testing programs — arguments those same members had previously dismissed as “making excuses.” A motion to table was adopted after a senator described the bill as “a solution in search of a problem,” which is also what members of Congress have said about every welfare drug testing program that found positive rates below 3%. The 78% of Americans who supported this bill were not available for comment, as they were at work, where many of them are subject to drug testing.