In the Absurdity Index of the United States
119th Absurdity Index — 1st Session of Futility
Insider Trading Is Already Illegal for Everyone Else Act
Party Balance
BipartisanSection 1. Short Title and Acknowledgment of Hypocrisy
This Act may be cited as the “Insider Trading Is Already Illegal for Everyone Else Act” or the “Rules for Thee but Not for Me Act of 2026.”
The Senate finds, with as much self-awareness as it can muster:
(a) The STOCK Act (Stop Trading on Congressional Knowledge Act) was signed into law on April 4, 2012, after passing the Senate 96-3. It required members of Congress to disclose financial transactions within 45 days and made clear that insider trading laws apply to Congress.
(b) On April 11, 2013 — approximately one year later — Congress gutted the STOCK Act’s key transparency provisions via voice vote. The House passed the repeal in 14 seconds. The Senate did so in approximately 10 seconds. There was no debate. There was no hearing. There was no recorded vote.
(c) Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s investment portfolio has achieved cumulative returns of approximately 16,930% since entering Congress, compared to the S&P 500’s approximately 2,300% over the same period. When asked whether members should be banned from trading stocks, Speaker Pelosi stated: “We’re a free-market economy. They should be able to participate in that.”
(d) Martha Stewart was sentenced to five months in federal prison for insider trading involving approximately $45,000 in ImClone stock. No member of Congress has ever been prosecuted under the STOCK Act.
(e) Senator Richard Burr and Senator Kelly Loeffler sold significant stock holdings after receiving classified COVID-19 briefings in early 2020, before the public was informed of the pandemic’s severity. The DOJ investigated and declined to press charges.
(f) Paul Pelosi sold Microsoft stock before an FTC investigation and sold Visa stock before a DOJ antitrust suit. These transactions were legal under current law, which is the problem.
Section 2. The Ban on Congressional Stock Trading
2(a). Prohibition
No member of Congress, no spouse of a member of Congress, and no dependent child of a member of Congress shall buy, sell, or hold individual stocks, bonds, or other securities in any publicly traded company while the member holds office.
2(b). Permitted Investments
Members and their families may invest in:
- Broad-based index funds (because you cannot insider-trade the entire market, although some appear to try)
- Treasury bonds (because betting against the U.S. government while serving in it would be a different kind of problem)
- Blind trusts managed by an independent trustee who has never attended a congressional fundraiser
2(c). Divestiture Timeline
Members shall divest all individual stock holdings within 180 days of this Act’s enactment. The committee acknowledges that 180 days is 12.86 times longer than the 14 seconds it took to gut the last version of this law.
Section 3. The Martha Stewart Standard
3(a). Establishment
There is hereby established the Martha Stewart Standard, which holds:
If a specific trading behavior would result in a prison sentence for Martha Stewart, a schoolteacher, a plumber, or any other American citizen, it shall also result in equivalent consequences for a member of Congress.
3(b). Application
The Martha Stewart Standard shall be applied by the Independent Congressional Trading Enforcement Office to evaluate all congressional trades that:
- Occur within 30 days of a classified briefing relevant to the traded company
- Occur within 30 days of committee action affecting the traded company’s industry
- Result in returns that exceed the S&P 500 by more than 500% over a member’s career, because at that point it’s either insider trading or witchcraft
3(c). Sentencing Parity
Any member found in violation shall face the same sentencing guidelines as a civilian convicted of the same offense. The committee notes that Martha Stewart served five months for $45,000. Congressional trades frequently involve millions. The math is left as an exercise for the reader.
Section 4. The 14-Second Repeal Prevention Clause
4(a). Prohibition on Voice Vote Gutting
No provision of this Act may be amended, modified, weakened, or repealed except by:
- A recorded roll-call vote in both chambers
- With at least 72 hours of public notice
- Following at least one public hearing
- With the full text of the proposed changes published online for 30 days
4(b). The Irony Provision
The committee acknowledges that this clause can itself be repealed by voice vote in approximately 14 seconds, because that is how congressional rules work. This is included as a statement of principle and a very well-documented historical complaint, not as an effective legal mechanism.
Section 5. Portfolio Performance Disclosure
5(a). Annual Reporting
Each member of Congress shall file an annual Portfolio Performance Report disclosing:
- Total portfolio value at the start and end of the year
- Percentage return for the year
- A comparison to the S&P 500 return for the same period
- A comparison to the median American household’s investment returns
- A list of all trades made within 30 days of any committee hearing, classified briefing, or legislative action
5(b). The Pelosi Benchmark
The Congressional Budget Office shall maintain a running calculation of each member’s cumulative investment returns compared to major market indices. Any member whose returns exceed the S&P 500 by more than 200% over their career shall be flagged for automatic review, which the committee has informally named the “Pelosi Benchmark” and which several members objected to, primarily Speaker Pelosi.
Section 6. Effective Date and Anticipated Gutting
This Act shall take effect immediately upon enactment, assuming it is not gutted by voice vote before the ink dries, which historical precedent suggests is a realistic concern.
Committee Note: This bill was approved 14-6 in committee. Six members voted against it. Four of the six had portfolio returns exceeding 1,000% over their tenure. The correlation was noted but not officially investigated, because the committee responsible for investigating it is the same committee whose members are trading the stocks.
This bill passed the Senate 96-3, matching the original STOCK Act’s margin almost exactly. It was then gutted by voice vote in 14 seconds during a Friday evening session with no C-SPAN cameras present. The resulting legislation retained the bill’s title, its preamble, and nothing else. The bill’s sponsor introduced an amendment requiring a recorded vote on any changes. That amendment was also defeated by voice vote. It took 11 seconds. A new record.
Official Congressional Vote
*Results may not reflect actual congressional voting patterns, though they probably should.
This is a satirical "Not Bill" — legislation that makes too much sense to ever pass. Any resemblance to actual congressional behavior is purely coincidental (and unfortunate).