Lobbyist Waiting Room Act

Section 1. Short Title and Finding of Democratic Absurdity

This Act may be cited as the “Lobbyist Waiting Room Act” or the “Take a Number Like Everyone Else Act of 2026.”

Congress finds and reluctantly acknowledges:

(a) There are currently over 12,000 registered lobbyists in Washington, D.C., which works out to approximately 22 lobbyists for every single member of Congress, a ratio that would be alarming in any context other than the one where it has been normalized for decades.

(b) The lobbying industry spent a record $4.26 billion in 2023, which is more than the GDP of several countries that the United States routinely lectures about good governance.

(c) Meta alone employed 65 lobbyists in 2024 — one for every eight members of Congress — raising the question of whether Meta has a lobbying department or Congress has a Meta department.

(d) The average constituent who contacts their representative’s office receives a 15-minute meeting if they are extraordinarily lucky, while lobbyists enjoy daily access, reserved parking, and what sources describe as “really good coffee.”

(e) Over 50% of former members of Congress become lobbyists, a career transition so predictable that some offices reportedly leave the K Street job listings bookmarked.

Section 2. The DMV-Style Queue System

2(a). Establishment

Every congressional office in both the Capitol complex and district offices shall install and maintain a first-come, first-served queuing system modeled on the operational procedures of the Department of Motor Vehicles, specifically the frustrating ones.

2(b). Queue Requirements

The system shall include:

1. A physical ticket dispenser issuing sequential numbers, beginning at 001 each morning and resetting at close of business
2. A digital “Now Serving” display visible from the waiting area
3. An estimated wait time indicator, which, consistent with DMV tradition, shall bear no relationship to the actual wait time
4. Mandatory uncomfortable seating, identical for all visitors regardless of net worth or number of corporate clients represented

2(c). No Exceptions

No person shall receive priority access to a congressional office based on:

• The size of their most recent campaign contribution
• The number of clients they represent
• The thread count of their suit
• Whether they brought lunch from a restaurant that costs more than $40 per person
• Any claim that their matter is “time-sensitive,” as all lobbying has been time-sensitive since 1789 and somehow the Republic endures

Section 3. The Constituent Priority Lane

3(a). Priority Classification

All visitors to congressional offices shall be classified into the following priority tiers:

• Priority 1: Constituents who live in the district and can prove it with a utility bill or voter registration card
• Priority 2: Constituents from the member’s state visiting Washington
• Priority 3: All other citizens not employed by, retained by, or affiliated with a registered lobbying firm
• Priority 4: Registered lobbyists
• Priority 5: Registered lobbyists who have visited the same office more than three times in the current session

3(b). Wait Time Estimates

Based on current congressional scheduling practices, the estimated wait times are:

• Priority 1: 45 minutes (an improvement over the current average of “never”)
• Priority 2: 2 hours
• Priority 3: 4 hours
• Priority 4: 6 hours, or roughly one-quarter of the time a constituent currently waits to reach a live human on their member’s phone line
• Priority 5: 8 hours, during which the lobbyist may reflect on their life choices

Section 4. Lobbyist-to-Lawmaker Ratio Cap

4(a). The Cap

No more than five registered lobbyists may be actively engaged in lobbying any single member of Congress during any given calendar month. This represents a reduction from the current ratio of 22:1, which Congress acknowledges is not a ratio one typically sees outside of wildlife documentaries about predator-prey relationships.

4(b). Enforcement

The Clerk of the House and the Secretary of the Senate shall maintain a public registry of which lobbyists are assigned to which members, updated monthly. Once a member’s five-lobbyist cap is reached, additional lobbyists shall receive an automated response reading: “We’re sorry, all lobbyist slots are currently filled. Your corporate interest is important to us. Please try again next month.”

4(c). Trading and Transfer

Lobbyist slots may not be traded, sold, subleased, or transferred between lobbying firms, despite the fact that this provision will almost certainly create a black market that Congress will then need another bill to regulate.

Section 5. The Revolving Door Speed Bump

5(a). Cooling Period

No former member of Congress shall register as a lobbyist, work for a lobbying firm, or accept employment from any entity that maintains a registered lobbyist within five years of leaving office. The current cooling period of one year for House members and two years for Senators has proven roughly as effective as a screen door on a submarine.

5(b). Transition Assistance

To ease the financial burden of not immediately cashing in on public service, former members subject to the cooling period shall be eligible for the same unemployment benefits available to their constituents, at the same rate, with the same hold music.

5(c). The ALEC Provision

No legislation drafted in whole or in substantial part by any outside organization, including but not limited to the American Legislative Exchange Council, shall be introduced without a prominent cover page stating: “This bill was written by [Organization Name], not by the member whose name appears on it.” Congress acknowledges that this provision would apply retroactively to an uncomfortable number of existing laws.

Section 6. Mandatory Transparency Requirements

6(a). Meeting Disclosure

Every meeting between a member of Congress (or their staff) and a registered lobbyist shall be disclosed on the member’s official website within 48 hours, including:

1. The name of the lobbyist and their client
2. The topic discussed
3. The duration of the meeting
4. Whether food was provided, and if so, the per-plate cost
5. Any specific legislative action requested

6(b). The “Who’s Buying Lunch” Database

The Government Accountability Office shall maintain a searchable public database of all meals, gifts, and hospitality provided by lobbyists to members of Congress, to be known informally as the “Who’s Buying Lunch” Database, updated weekly.

Section 7. Effective Date and Acknowledgment of Futility

This Act shall take effect 90 days after enactment, which Congress acknowledges will never occur because the people who would need to vote for it are the same people who benefit most from the current arrangement.

Committee Note: This bill was reported out of committee on a vote of 3-31. The three votes in favor came from members who announced their retirement earlier that day. The 31 votes against were cast by members who, upon checking, had an average of 19 pending meeting requests from lobbyists on their calendars. The committee chair noted, without apparent irony, that the bill “lacked sufficient support from stakeholders,” by which the chair meant lobbyists.

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This bill was defeated 3-432, making it one of the most lopsided votes in recent congressional history. The lobbying industry reportedly spent $14.2 million in a single week opposing it, which is $4.7 million per “yea” vote — an amount that, had it been spent on the queue system instead, would have funded it for approximately three years. The three members who voted “yea” were subsequently visited by an average of 47 lobbyists each in the following week, which they described as “educational.”