Minimum Moral Standards for Public Service Act

Section 1. Short Title and Expression of Institutional Disbelief

This Act may be cited as the “Minimum Moral Standards for Public Service Act” or, for those who assumed this already existed, the “How Is This Not Already a Thing Act of 2026.”

Congress finds and declares the following:

(a) A person applying to drive for Uber must pass a background check, a driving record review, and a vehicle inspection. A person applying to represent 760,000 Americans in Congress must win an election.

(b) A person applying to volunteer at a public elementary school must submit to a criminal background check, a sex offender registry search, and often a fingerprint scan. A person applying to write laws governing those schools must file paperwork with the FEC.

(c) A person applying to adopt a rescue dog from most shelters must provide personal references, proof of housing, and submit to a home visit. A person applying to control the nation’s nuclear arsenal must carry a congressional district.

(d) A person who built a website received 240 years in federal prison. Persons who used their positions of power to traffic, exploit, and abuse human beings received, in certain well-documented cases, continued access to the powerful.

Section 2. The Moral Floor

2(a). Establishment of Minimum Standards

All sitting members of Congress shall be required, upon election and every two years thereafter, to undergo an ethics and background screening at least as rigorous as that required by:

1. The Transportation Security Administration for PreCheck enrollment (Level 1: The Absolute Minimum)
2. Uber Technologies, Inc. for driver approval (Level 2: The Gig Economy Standard)
3. Any public school district in America for volunteer clearance (Level 3: The “Around Children” Standard)
4. The American Kennel Club for dog adoption eligibility (Level 4: The “Trusted With a Labrador” Standard)
5. Any state bar association for the practice of law (Level 5: Aspirational)

2(b). Current Congressional Vetting Requirements

For the record, the current federal requirements to serve in the United States Congress are:

1. Be a certain age
2. Be a citizen for a certain number of years
3. Live in the state you represent
4. Win an election

There is no background check. There is no ethics screening. There is no financial disclosure requirement prior to taking office. There is no drug test. There is no requirement to have ever read the Constitution, though members are required to swear an oath to uphold it, which is the governmental equivalent of agreeing to Terms of Service without scrolling down.

Section 3. The Accountability Comparison Index

3(a). Establishment

There is hereby established an Accountability Comparison Index (ACI), which shall publicly rank the vetting rigor applied to various roles in American life, from most to least scrutinized:

• Tier 1 — Nuclear facility operator, FBI agent, CIA analyst, foster parent
• Tier 2 — Commercial airline pilot, public school teacher, licensed electrician
• Tier 3 — Uber driver, Airbnb host, youth sports coach, gun purchaser
• Tier 4 — TSA PreCheck applicant, notary public, licensed cosmetologist
• Tier 5 — United States Senator, United States Representative
• Tier 6 — (Currently unoccupied. Congress is working to identify a role with less oversight. The search continues.)

3(b). Publication Requirement

The ACI shall be updated annually and displayed prominently in the Capitol Visitor Center, directly adjacent to the exhibit about “the world’s greatest deliberative body.”

Section 4. The Self-Exemption Registry

4(a). Finding of Serial Self-Exemption

Congress finds that it has, over the course of its history, exempted itself from the following laws it imposed on the rest of the country:

1. The Freedom of Information Act
2. Provisions of the Civil Rights Act of 1964
3. The Occupational Safety and Health Act
4. The Americans with Disabilities Act (partially, until 1995)
5. The STOCK Act’s real-time trading disclosure requirements (gutted by Congress in 2013 with a voice vote, no debate, in approximately 14 seconds)
6. Whistleblower protections
7. Portions of the Affordable Care Act (until public outcry)

Congress acknowledges this list is incomplete because a comprehensive accounting would require its own line item in the federal budget.

4(b). The Self-Exemption Sunset

Any future law passed by Congress that includes an exemption for members of Congress shall automatically sunset after one year, unless Congress publicly votes — by recorded roll call, not voice vote, not in 14 seconds — to renew the exemption, while looking their constituents in the eye via mandatory C-SPAN broadcast.

Section 5. Sentencing Proportionality Review

5(a). Finding of Disproportionate Outcomes

Congress finds that the American justice system has, in certain documented instances, produced sentencing outcomes that are difficult to reconcile with any coherent theory of proportionality:

1. A person who created a website received a sentence of 240 years, having committed no act of violence
2. Federal agents assigned to investigate that person were subsequently convicted of stealing cryptocurrency and selling confidential case information, receiving sentences of 71 months and 78 months respectively
3. Persons credibly accused of trafficking, exploitation, and abuse of minors received, in certain high-profile cases, plea arrangements, sealed records, and continued social access to the powerful

Congress observes that the common thread is not the severity of the offense but the proximity of the offender to institutional power, and that this pattern does not inspire the kind of confidence in the justice system that would make a background check requirement for Congress seem unnecessary.

Section 6. Effective Date and Acknowledgment of Futility

This Act shall take effect upon enactment, which will not occur, because it was defeated 0-435, the first unanimous vote of the 119th Congress. Both parties, having agreed on nothing else for the entire legislative session, found common ground on exactly one proposition: that they should not be subjected to the same vetting standards as an Uber driver.

The committee report was drafted but marked “too embarrassing to publish.” A leaked summary noted that fourteen members had recused themselves from the vote without explanation, which the committee observed was “not a great sign.”

Committee Note: This bill was defeated unanimously. The vote required 11 seconds, making it the second-fastest legislative action of the session, behind the 2013 gutting of the STOCK Act’s disclosure requirements, which took approximately 14 seconds and was conducted by voice vote so that no member’s name would be attached to it. Congress has a finely tuned sense of when transparency is and is not appropriate. This was not one of those times.

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This bill received zero votes in favor, which is notable given that Congress routinely passes resolutions honoring National Pickle Week. The 435 members who voted against it subsequently issued 435 press releases affirming their commitment to “ethics and accountability in government.” None of the press releases mentioned this bill. When asked by a reporter why Congress should not be subject to background checks, the Speaker’s office responded: “Next question.” The question was not, in fact, followed by a next question, because the reporter had been escorted from the building.